There's an Elephant in this Blog

Yep, there's an elephant in this blog.

And it ain't Big Al. (I'm an Auburn Fan.)

It's that I used the word "ex-husband" in my first NaBloPoMo post.

"Ex-husband" implies a divorce.

Yep. I haz one.

I wouldn't have pegged myself as the "divorcing kind."
But I guess I'm full of surprises.

I haven't talked about this much.  It might even be a part of the "subconscious" reason I didn't complete NaBloPoMo last year, or even blogged at all afterwards.

I'm not "ashamed" that I'm divorced.  It's just that it seems like talking about it is awkward, and an invasion of privacy.  Not my privacy, but Scott's-- my ex-husband.  There are two sides to every story, and if I get into too much of my side of the story, then it neglects his side.  Or might show him in a bad light.  Or even worse, assign thoughts and words to him that are not his.

I don't want to do that.  I respect him; I respect what our marriage once had been.  I especially respect his fatherhood of our children and I never, ever want them to believe I think less of him.

My closest family members, my dearest friends and my therapist know all the "whys," and that's enough.

I'll try to tell you what I can.

It was my idea, my desire to get divorced.  It took him for quite a shock.  I asked for a divorce out of the blue November 2012.  It wasn't something I'd been planning; but looking back, I could see that for quite a while I wasn't feeling like our marriage was what I'd expected of it.

It wasn't that I stopped loving him. Or liking him.  I just felt like we weren't the true companions that we should have been.  I felt we had seriously diverged in our plans for not just the future, but for the here-and-now.  I felt disconnected from him in many ways.

That wasn't fair to me, it seemed.

Could we have "fixed" our marriage with counseling?  I don't really know.

Me, as I'd have bouts of my depression, I'd get counseling for myself to get past them.  After over a year on my antidepressant, I'd been feeling "normal," with no bouts of depression or dysthymia.  So I don't think my dissatisfaction was due to my mood.

But for "our issues"?  I don't know.  Scott had been resistant to counseling, and I knew from my experience "on the other side of the chair" (I used to work as mental health client intake technician) that "forcing" a person into counseling would likely only effect meeting a condition, not effecting a true change.  I'd been hinting, tip-toeing, dancing & lately bluntly suggesting that he "talk" to someone-- even a friend!-- about things that seemed to be stressing him out and causing him to "go to ground" with his own interests and comfort zones.

I'd just reached my limit.

Not to truly give him a "fighting" chance really wasn't fair to him.

But to threaten "get shrunk or get out" wasn't fair, either.

It took us about a dozen years to unravel.  I'm 46.  I didn't want to wait another dozen years to see if we could knit ourselves back.

I was selfish, and asked for a divorce.

I didn't "take" the kids.  I didn't "take" the house.  Scott was the one with the job, the benefits.  I didn't think it was fair that he have to support two households because I said so.

Through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I slept on the sofa and we kept it sort of "normal" for the kids.  It wasn't until after the holidays that we told our family and friends.  We told the kids after the first of the year and I moved out shortly after that.

We made a gentle transition for the kids.  I'd move a bit out at a time, and would try to load the truck when they weren't watching.  They'd see stuff "disappear," but I wouldn't leave empty space.  I rearrange art and nick-knacks, I shift closet usage, unstack things in cabinets.

Scott trusted me to divide up our stuff; I think there were very few things that he questioned.  I suggested that as the residential custodian, he use the sedan and would take the truck.  We each liquidated equal amounts of assets to close out our unsecured debts and out attorney fees.  We would share custody of the kids and I would care for them any time that Scott was at work until I was a point in my life where they could have overnight stays with me.  Neither of us pays child support or spousal support.  We work together to make sure the kids have what they need from us both for creature comforts and for love and attention.  We do our best to make sure the kids know that our divorce has nothing to do with them, they they are not in the middle of anything but love.  We do our best to communicate with each other, if not about our lives, then about the kids.

No, the kids did not like it at all that we divorced.  They took it with some confusion for a while (especially little DLG,) but they seem to have adjusted OK, and are making the best of it.

Our families were not pleased with our decisions.  I don't think Scott's family will ever want to see my face again.  I insisted that since my family developed a friendship and affection with Scott that they continue to welcome him into their lives.  Yeah, that's awkward, but it's for what's best for the kids, in my opinion.

We worked out all the details ourselves.  We got one lawyer to represent Scott (to save money) and file our paperwork.  I didn't feel I needed representation.  We didn't rush things.  It was all done by the end of July.

We didn't rush things, and I haven't been trumpeting it.  That's why I've been slow in changing my name back to my birthname.  Slow in getting my "statuses" updated with various providers, contacts, etc.

But I am divorced now.  I'm no longer "Mrs. Anyone."

Now.  Truly.  Me, myself, am I.