Love Is.... Self-care

Self-care is not blogging when I'm tired and really have nothing to say.

Self-care is turning out the light when my husband asks,
because we do like actually sleeping together.

Self-care is owning up to being a night-owl and just going with it.

Self-care is admitting 5am hurts.  And naps are nice.

Self-care is a shower.

Self-care is eating an apple, instead of saving them for others.

Self-care can be going ahead and pigging out on my favorite junk food.

Self-care is happily cooking a meal.

Self-care is asking to be taken out for a meal.

Self-care is taking care of things on my to-do list.

Self-care is taking it easy after a busy-do day.

Self-care is accepting compliments and understanding and love.

Even from myself.

Hello 2019

My To-Do list has  25 things on it. Had to make a list, otherwise I'd forget to do them. Like I have for the past few months while either stressing, depressing, or over extending with kid-related volunteer projects.

Mom-life. Oh, look. More stuff.

Ugh.

I hate PMS.

"There once was a velveteen rabbit, ..."

and in the beginning he was really splendid."


Thus opens my favorite story of all time.  I CANNOT read it aloud, nor to myself, without crying.

Maybe "The Velveteen Rabbit" started my personal "Christmas creep." Margery Williams opens the story on on that very day:  "On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming."

The first time I recall hearing this story was when my mom read it to me for a bedtime story. I was maybe seven or eight-- too old and capable of a reader for a story-- but she was reading to me.  I craved the attention.  The story was included in a two-volume treasury of children's stories & verse that had been given to me by my Babchu.

I cried as she read it; I cried because the little rabbit was ignored, then he was adored; I cried because he was real, yet no one else noticed; I cried because it looked as if he was to meet his demise, but he was transformed beyond that merest of existences.

I cried because I had my own "little rabbit" who was so very shoddily loved-to-bits, and if I ever lost her, I would be devastated.

I cried because I often felt un-real.

I was teased A LOT as a kid.  Sometimes I even felt unloved.  At my lowest, an angel would remind me who did love me and would miss me.  And knowing that I was REAL at least to one, that would get me through.

In college, during another low time, Tara sent me a Christmas present from Target: a plush Velveteen Rabbit, in a stocking with a sprig of holly between his paws.  David Jorgensen's illustrated version of "The Velveteen Rabbit" had just come out in 1990, and the story was captivating a new generation of parents and kids.  But I was just a lost 20-something unsuccessfully drifting through college;  Tara was just one of my best friends who wanted me to know I was loved and missed--- here's a cute from our favorite department store!

Oh, how cute he was!  When I was shopping at the Hallmark in downtown Auburn, I noticed that another artist, "Flavia" had her own take on the tale.  I bought her book, and an ornament of the rabbit wrapped in a quilt, the base stating, "Love makes you Real."

That's how it started.  I thumbed through bargain racks and used selections.  I found that many people had illustrated the story over the years.  Sometimes they edited it for younger readers.  Sometimes they updated the setting for the times.  Always, the message of the Skin Horse was the same.  Always, the little rabbit looked so eager to share love.

I collect versions of "The Velveteen Rabbit."  I find them "in the wild" to bring home.  (Again, none of this scrolling through eBay for me.)   I have 25 different printings of the story, a few A/V versions, three plush (not including my precious rabbit,) three figurines, and an assortment of ephemera-- the newest being programs and photos from Academy of Academics and Art's own version of "The Velveteen Rabbit."  (Wish I had a show shirt.)

"The Velveteen Rabbit" remind me that love does make us real.  At Christmastime, we Christians are reminded that Love Became Man, and real like us.

mehmehmehmehmehmeh

I hate/despise/loath/abhor my PMS. The achy is nothing compared to my increasing lack of momentum and organization. Meh. I'm almost 48 years old. Don't need the stupid thing, but really don't want the further inconvenience of surgery and hot flashes.

I have a few really good posts in draft stages.

See you on the other side.

meh

Goodness, Where Has the Month Gone?

I see that I have not posted once since my post on the first. I could claim, "I've been busy," but between us, I've just been wrung out. The Christmas holidays will do that to a body; it is a "let down" in more ways than one. All that energy, all that anticipation, and then nothing-- except maybe a cold. Being as out-of-hourglass-shape as I am, I ended up just coping day-to-day. All those carbs I loaded up on before, during & after didn't help any, either. (Well, they did help further define my lovely door-stop shape.)

Today, I pulled it together, finally. Got a whole lot of stuff cleaned up here, and cooked that broccoli I bought last week well before it went bad. (I apologize to my last two broccoli purchases, but at least I have a compost pile.) My kids love broccoli. Yea!

I like broccoli, too, and most other veggies. I've been adding sliced & sauteed spinach to my morning egg. I've been avoiding sugars & other simple carbs.

I. Just. Cannot. Eat. Quantities. Of. Simple. Carbohydrates.

There.

I'm not diabetic, amazingly, but I'm likely well on my way. I do have PCOS, which I've learned has insulin-resistance as one of its features. I do know that if I eat something all sweet or starchy, then I want more and more, then I get all lethargic. You see where I'm going with this.

No, I'm not all bacon, all the time (tempting.) Breakfast is an egg with a bit of Parmesan cheese, the spinach and a tasty spice blend; as much as I dislike store-bought tomatoes, I should add a bit as well. For lunch or dinner, I've been eating a bit too much cheese, so I'm working on reining that in (behold, the power!) Fruits are berries, kiwis, grapefruit and any apple/pear skins my daughter won't eat. Meat, of course, and green veggies. Since I do need carbohydrates, I like a small side of quinoa, or maybe another whole-berry grain. See? very reasonable, and I feel more energetic. I've been on it about a week now, but I'm only today feeling like it. That cold, you know. (We won't bring up the pink-icing birthday cake that my sister-in-law got to celebrate her & my daughter's adjacent birthdays. I will say here; I like the way red icing tastes. DLG wants a "purple castle cake" for this weekend. That's good. Purple tastes the worst.)

It's not a challenge to make a meal that we all can eat. My husband needs a low-fat diet to help keep his cholesterol and blood pressure down; he also notices his blood sugar spikes more from dense carbs like bread or beans than from sugars. The kids either eat anything or are picky; they're kids. But we all get a well balanced plate without it looking like anyone has off-limit foods. I've even been able to juggle the load of left-overs that came back (as usual) from Ft. Payne. For once the kids get a la carte.

The challenge is to keep from snacking. And bread. My, my, I do like bakery bread. (There has to be a work around for that.)

Here's to knowing better and doing better this year!

Chore Chart Rewards

So, what happens when I earn my little Smiley Stars? I get rewards.
Whoo-hoo!

I've set up the reward increments in sets of 8, since there's only 8 lines on the chart. The Smiley Stars accumulate. I get rewarded for 8, 16, 24 and 32. Theoretically, I could earn a reward a week. The rewards also aggregate.

After a month, I've only earned 18 stars, but then again, this isn't a competition.

Y'all, I LOVE to read. I was the kid who would check out a library book in the morning and bring it back by the end of the day in elementary school. I'd read after bedtime with a flashlight under my covers in middle school. I knocked my teeth out in high school in an unfortunate bicycle accident involving a new book I'd just gotten at the public library but stashed in a purse, not a backpack. (The bicycle needed to be unbent, the purse needed to be thrown away, I needed crowns on my front teeth. The book, yea!, was fine.) I'm able to read a Harry Potter book in one weekend-- yes, even the last one. Seriously, a one-pound bag of M&Ms would last longer around me. Unfortunately, being a book-hound means that important things fall by the wayside like laundry, human contact & sleeping. I have to stay away from books unless I plan for reading time. I've tried telling myself, "Just one chapter a day." Doesn't work. I don't like avoiding books, and this makes a perfect reward. I could get a book a week, and if I'm able to accomplish my daily goals each week while having a book around means that my new good habits are getting more comfortable to do.

This is another "luxury" I don't indulge in like I should, mainly because it would also involve giving the tub a good, good scrub. I have a small collection of lovely bath salts that I'd like to use for more than foot soaks. How about a me-soak, with NO ONE calling my name unless there is large quantities of blood. If I ask sweetly, I might even get my husband to clean the tub (tee-hee!)

I don't treat myself well when it comes to clothes. I make sure everyone else has nice things to wear, and I don't get much of anything for myself. I have a long list of "reasons" for this: I'm not happy with my shape/size, so I'm not sure what would look good on me; I cannot clothes shop with my entourage, since I'd be chasing them instead of selecting clothes to try on; I ran up a small, but scary enough, unsecured debt in college with nothing to show for it except memories of dinners out and clothes that I no longer own; I don't have any room in my closet, since I'm using that for storing things we needed to move to give our kids some space; I don't have anyone to go shopping with. Yet I need some more basic pieces so I don't look like I'm the charwoman. My mother-in-law tries to help by taking me out to get new clothes on my birthday,  when I let her ( I don't want to take advantage of her generosity, and sometimes I tell myself paying on bills or clothing the kids would be better.) I hope that if I frame this as a reward, I'll feel more confident about shopping, and less bummed out about how I look.

It's written with black marker on a dark blue background, so I did a "reverse colors" trick to get it to show up. Gigi's Cupcakes are wonderful! Only one-third of it is cupcake.... the rest is luscious frosting! It seems counterproductive to the "Avoid Empty Calories," but since I'm not medically forbidden from sugar, why not have a planned treat? I've also got a gift card for my birthday and it's burning a hole in my pocket. Yes, of course the kids will get a cupcake, too. One for me and one for them; just two cupcakes. (If they whine about sharing a cupcake, I'll divide them in thirds, knowing that I'll likely end up with extra cake, at least, after they eat off all their frosting.)

So there you have it, myself improvement plan, since
"we could all use a little change."

Chore Chart, Line 8

So maybe I do want to lose some weight. I need to. I am 200 pounds but only 5'4" (barely.) Luckily for me, I've put on my weight everywhere (including my back where I can't see it) and I have big, dense bones, so I don't feel that I look as huge as I think I should be. If that even made sense.

Over the years I've "self-medicated" with food. Chocolate is fave, but I'm not picky: cold mac-n-cheese, french fries, uncooked pie crust, whatever I was in the mood for, or at least was handy & could be eaten without my family knowing it. Sounds like I have a food addiction, huh? I could give up alcohol, if I was consuming drinks like I've done with food, but I can't just give up food.

I can give up unhealthy patterns.

I'm trying not to count calories/carbs/fat, etc, but instead to look at my portions. Hence, "right-size meals." That would also include well-balanced meals, and not pasta every night while using canned veggies. I still snack a bit, too, but I'm choosing a dozen of the almonds my husband roasted without oil or salt, a spoon of hummus, some grapes or a glass of milk. This past month when I had my pre-menstrual chocolate cravings, I got one of these vitamin & protein enriched energy-type bars-- as many calories as a candy bar (and sometimes more fat,) but more filling with bonus nutrition. Trying to change.

I would like to be a good example to my kids; the boy doesn't eat enough and the girl sometimes eats more than her fair share. I'd like to stop envying other woman and how nice they look in their clothes, even the "plus size" ones. I'd like to think that I look good in my clothes.

Mostly, I want to get enough weight off so I can wear my wedding ring & engagement ring again. Those are the one thing I can wear and always feel beautiful.

Chore Chart, Line 7

Everybody is creative. I truly believe that when the Bible says that we were created in God's image, that our imagination/creativity was one of His biggest gifts to us. Even people who say they aren't creative, are creative. They might not be eloquent in speech or pen, they might not produce attention-getting graphic arts, but everyone can create. I like to encourage others in this; I don't give false praise.

I have fallen off my "art" wagon, so to speak. I've gone months without blogging. Haven't knit or crocheted anything for a year. My son's scrapbook is stuck at two years old, and my daughter, at two years old, doesn't even have page one. My schedule/family needs don't allow for much time for acting.

I haven't even been cooking the way I used to cook. My kids get randomly picky and my husband has sworn off sweets and heavy carbs. I get very creative, sometimes, with leftovers, but then again, re-runs barely get much notice the third time around.

I miss being creative. I miss making something out of nothing and being pleased with my work, and having others compliment and enjoy my work, too. I really miss amazing myself. I'll look back at something I've written or made or scrap-booked, and think, "Wow. I did this?" Really, I forget how good it is.

I've now blogged everyday for over a week. I don't think I can keep up the pace, but I thought this would be a good start, especially since all of these posts are a series. For the first 3 weeks I've had my chore chart up, this line was a big ol' line of Xs. I made myself do this, and I'm feeling good about blogging again. Next is to get over my fear of the book drive so I can start sorting, culling & labeling all the photos we've taken. Then I'll get back to scrap-booking. Maybe. I've got a slight problem there...... I got the great room rearranged & set up to facilitate scrap-booking, and then started using my table to store boxes of food for the various food pantry drives that happen every month.... AND my alternate storage areas contain all the things I'm slowly culling from the house for the church rummage sale in February.

Gonna' have to get creative with my space again. Hmm.... I think I have an idea......

Chore Chart, Line 6

The thing with depression is: the depressed person feels alone and lonely. Some of it is actual proximity; you stay by yourself and you don't connect with anyone. Some of it is that cruel & isolating trick your brain plays on you. More specifically, here's a verse I wrote in high school:

I have learned, in my own case, that if I'm feeling lonely, it is my own fault, and not because "nobody likes me." It's flattering to have other people reach out & call me on the phone or ask me to hang out with them or send me a letter. But I've got to do the same, and understand that they have "lives" that don't include me. These are the lessons I've learned, usually slowly, sometimes painfully. I've even learned that some of the best friendships are the ones that grow slowly & steadily, not quick & clingy. "Falling in love" is giddy, but staying in love is a committed work.

My best friend is my husband, and I'm very grateful for that. We know each other pretty well, so that we are able to make each other smile & support each other with decisions, but at the same time surprise each other. (Today we both got, at the same time, the idea to talk a walk in the light rain; so we took the kids and laughed & laughed at them being puddle ducks.) Sometimes I wish I still had a girl best friend here, but...

I have several really great & long-lasting friends from high school, college and now. When we're together, it's like we are best friends (again); we "get" each other, go "ooo" at things in stores or on the menu and can talk about anything as if we'd only last talked the day before. I love these women! But they all live far away, and they have local friends they rely on and families they adore.

Likewise, the women who are becoming closer friends to me here in town do have lives and families, too. As do I. It's what makes each of us interesting. I find that I have more self-confidence to reach out just to say "Hi! How ya' doin'? Here's what's up with me, too." But how do I make a "personal social connection" in this computer age?

I use Facebook; it's the Internet watercooler. I'm still figuring out Twitter, but I just lurk right now. E-mail, wow-- instant contact-- and instant disappointment if someone doesn't reply right away. Then there's the calculated intimacy of blogging. All of this fine and evolving communication, but it does lack the "personal."

I like sending occasion cards. When my depression was at its worst, I stopped doing those things altogether, and was often late in remembering friends' kids' birthdays. I'm getting back into sending cards and trying to get them to their recipients on time.

I like writing thank-you notes, for myself and for my kids (although the boy is getting old enough to write his own.) Again, I fell out of the habit this past year. But after this past birthday, I'm current now.

I like writing letters. My mother-in-law has received oodles of note cards for fund-raising appeals, and she's given them to me. I have one dear friend who adores written correspondence, so I'm working towards sending her a weekly note. My son's Godmother lives out-of-country and feels out of touch with local goings on; news she can get, the life-pulse she can't, so I'm sending her a weekly letter, too.

I like going to church and church functions. This year I plan to not miss any Faith Sharing meetings, unless a kid is just too sick & my husband has important work meetings (like last Tuesday.) My husband is astounded at how many people I know, and he is working to get to know them (or their husbands,) too.

I like talking on the phone. (This is not a surprise to my father.) But I'm so out of practice. Really, I have to plan to call someone. Not like in high school when my father threatened to surgically remove the phone from my ear. (Thanks be to God we didn't have e-mail, FB, Twitter, texting & cell phones for everyone back in the 80s; although I guess these came about from many in my generation who thought the phone just wasn't enough.) Maybe soon I'll make more than one social phone call a week-- I'm still trying to figure out how much is too often and how long is too long-- but I promise it won't be while I'm driving!

Personal social connection: holding something that another person created, hearing another person's voice, looking another person in the eye, reaching out to touch another-- to truly connect and BE with other people.

Chore Chart, Line 5

From the readings for today, Sunday, September 4, 2011, the 23rd Sunday in Ordinary Time:

From the Book of the Prophet Ezekiel
"Thus says the Lord: You, son of man, I have appointed watchman for the house of Israel; when you hear me say anything, you shall warn them for me. (33: 7)

From Psalms
"Come, let us sing joyfully to the Lord;
          let us acclaim the rock of our salvation.
"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
          let us joyfully sing psalms to him.
"Come, let us bow down in worship;
          let us kneel before the Lord who made us." (95: 1-2, 6)

From the Letter of Saint Paul to the Romans
"Brothers and sisters: Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. The commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery; you shall not kill; you shall not steal; you shall not covet,' and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this saying, namely, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no evil to the neighbor; hence, love is the fulfillment of the law." (13: 8-10)

From the holy Gospel according to Matthew
"Jesus said to his disciples: Amen, I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything for which they are to pray, it shall be granted to them by my heavenly Father. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (18: 19-20)

Then Father Louis gave a homily that started off asking how would you know if you were an introvert or an extrovert; the answer can be found in how you "recharge your batteries." He pointed out that our spiritual lives are often more introverted than extroverted, but today's readings do call us to be extroverted in our faith as well, by witnessing to others and praying together, to live our lives dynamically & connected in a personal way to "another," both those neighbors we recognize and the neighbors we might encounter once in our lives as strangers to all but the heart of God.

I was pleased to see that my daily blogging would have "Pray Aloud with Someone" to happen on a Sunday, then tickled to know that it would be the same Sunday when I would be the second reader.

I am absolutely awed that today's readings and homily were about this. God puts it forth best; there is nothing I can add, but I can witness and say, "Amen, I'm trying, Lord."

Chore Chart, Line 4

I could start this entry with all sorts of cheesy song lines about sunshine. Tempting.

I should admit that I'm a "night owl" by nature, inclined to go with the idea that "if God had wanted us to see the sunrise, He would have scheduled it later in the day." My alarm clock (and others) have made sure I've arisen & seen the sun, but it's slow going, although I have seen my share of beautiful sunrises. These occur when I'm on vacation/camping or when I would, as an Auburn poetry professor once described it, "approach dawn softly from the other side." (I don't know if Rod T Smith was quoting himself or someone else, but I detect a sympathy with the idea of an all-nighter.)

I also sunburn easily and overheat easily in the direct sun.

Which is why this doesn't say "Get the Daily Recommended Amount of Sunlight for Adequate Vitamin D Production."

I know from news articles & personal experience that a daily dose of some sunshine makes me feel happier & more optimistic... if it's not burning up outside. Fresh air is a good pick-me-up... when it's not pollen season... ... which is almost everyday in the South. (Or mold season or dust season or air too cold to breathe season.)

Which is why I'm more likely to stay inside like an environmentally controlled mushroom. It's safer. There's no bird song or flowers or surprise breezes, but it is predictable. No dressing for it. Don't have to worry about one of the kids getting hurt, either. I'm lazy.

Yet, outside is magical. We discovered all sorts of red caterpillars on the passion flower vine on the back fence. Turns out they are Gulf Fritillary Butterflies, which are a vibrant orange, thin-winged species that feeds exclusively on the passion flower vines. We saw eggs, caterpillars of all sizes, a chrysalis and butterflies. Wow! Our own butterfly habitat! We've found box turtles patrolling the back yard, hummingbirds enjoying the blackberry lilies in the front yard. My kids are as avid of acorn & leaf collectors as any squirrel. My son's inquiry of "what's this" with the display of a "mini watermelon" led me to learn about the "Guadeloupe Cucumber," and it's controversy "yes, it's toxic, because if you eat enough, it's a powerful laxative," versus "no, they taste good, just eat the green ones." (The outside is magic; the Internet is interesting.)

Who am I kidding? I love the out-of-doors! I pick up lizards, chase frogs, want to catch a snake. I know which weeds are more approved as wildflowers. I can "chee" like a cheesed off squirrel. I think picking blackberries in the middle of a bramble is fun. I attract less than my fair-share of blood suckers, and I don't seem to be readily reactive to poison ivy. As I said, I'm just lazy. And worried. Even backyards and walks down the block aren't as safe as they once seemed to be. Just as I am denying myself joy because of my concerns & selfishness, I'm denying my little ones, too. So I'm doing this in little steps, returning to the world. It's missed me.

Chore Chart, Line 3

Exercise should be on everyone's Chore Chart. The benefits are obvious: flexibility, strength, endurance, better circulation, better respiration, increased metabolism, increased endorphins, and on and on.

Not so easy when I was born without an athletic bone in my body. It's not a habit I developed when I was young. I was always chosen last for teams, was the right-fielder's substitute's substitute and was a horrible failure at The President's Physical Fitness Test. So why should I even try?

But. I like to move & be active. I've liked dancing since I was an itty-bitty. Even though I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was 8, once I "got it," I don't think I got off of it until I went to college. I can walk nearly 4 mph if I'm "in shape," which isn't bad for someone with flat feet. Then there were the eight years of marching band; high stepping while using all of your good breath for something other breathing is a workout.

When did I get off track? Dropping out of marching band in college to concentrate on partying. Stopping riding my bike in Alabama (it's not a very bike-friendly state like Tennessee & Illinois.) Making more time for more sitting & playing "stupid computer games" instead of walking & enjoying the wonderful world God gave us. Complaining that it's "too" hot/cold/wet instead of adapting. Having sedentary but mentally tiring "desk" jobs, or having physically repetitive but mindless service industry jobs. Claiming tired.... busy.... unprepared.....

I am now fat. And out of shape. If I weren't keeping up with two kids, and genetically inclined to handle extra weight, I'd be a real mess.

I am working towards doing what I enjoy. We only live a half mile from my son's school and less than a mile from our church, so I walk the boy to school in the mornings now. I continue on to the church on the days my daughter goes to MMO. Then I walk back home. When we finally see cooler temps in the next few months, we'll walk home from school & MMO, too. I'd like to add a trip down the greenway to my non-MMO days. We live next to a wonderful greenway that runs behind our house all the way down to the Tennessee River, and Huntsville, Madison & the County are working to make more greenways and designated bike routes. When I get one of my bikes fixed, I'll start biking again, too, if I can coordinate the kids & his future biking with my husband. (The worst part will be getting my bike-butt back.) These are easy & free things I can do. I could also make exercise a more social activity if we were to join the local YMCA; we're still looking at our budget for that one.

Truthfully, I feel better when I get moving. I feel happier. I get the extra pounds off. What it is the shoe company said? "Just Do It."

Chore Chart, Line 2

I am a crafter by nature, coming from a long line of DYIers. My mom does arts & crafts as did her mom, while her dad was a house builder. My dad is a DYI-guy with a fair amount of kludger/plugger with Army ingenuity; his mom was always sewing or crocheting something for the church bazaar and his father, although a mining engineer, ran a bakery with his brothers during The Great Depression. We are always fixing things instead of just throwing them out & getting new. One of the first Girl Scout badges I earned required being able to sew on a button and use a sewing machine, something both of my parents worked with me on. If given a craft kit and a toy, I completed the craft kit first. Some of my favorite books as a child were "The Borrowers" series and Laura Ingalls Wilder's books; I was just amazed at their resourcefulness in reusing objects. (Which is why I had that dresser drawer full of junk anyways.)

It's no surprise that I have a pile of "projects" waiting for my attention. With two kids who play hard and are the glad recipients of hand-me downs, there's always a button or tear. They also have books that need taping, snugglies that need stitching and toys that need gluing. Our chairs and cabinets pop screws and nails. Nicknacks take dings, jewelry gets kid-handled.

There's much, much more that needs cobbling together then there was before kids. It's harder to get around to doing the repairs as well, since kids don't interact well with needles.... or Super Glue. It does pile up, as do the things I have on hand to make some more creative repairs.

Again, doing this is to cut down on clutter and whittle away at my procrastination. I'm also very proud or my abilities. I do good work. I've made a rolling laundry hamper out of an old round medical stand (it has great metal caster action that they just don't manufacture any more), "hotel-style" shower curtain rings, large grommets & a muslin canvas drop-cloth. I just stitched up the holes in the bottom of my son's old Iron Man backpack so my daughter can carry it, and you wouldn't know that the backpack didn't come as it is now configured. (Hey, it's shiny & it's a backpack like brother's. She wanted it for MMO and I wanted to save money.)

I like fixing things. But I like fixing them well, which means slowing down, making the space and making the time. Slowing down, making space, taking time, feeling good about a job well-done... aren't these the sorts of thing you find in self-help books. Getting that pile done, one or two things at a time, is working. Some things I can do while waiting for my "stupid computer games" to load. Other things take just a few moments, or are portable for when I have to sit around somewhere. So I can do this, and get my smiley star.

And if I ever get current with my fix-it pile, I can always change the line to "Work on a Craft"; I have a few crochet projects I've started but not finished and a sweater I'd like to knit!

Chore Chart, Line 1

Sometimes you have to start with the easiest & most obvious. It's that whole "taste of success" thing. As a stay-at-home-mom, obviously I'd clean something everyday. Ought to.

Yet sometimes I don't. Things like laundry seem almost Sisyphean. With the kids always curious about everything, especially the things out of sight/out of reach, it's often easier to pile things up in my room to put up later. I don't even want to think about the accumulation of dust on my furniture and the "whatever" on my floors. (To be honest, we're cat-people, but I'd almost get a dog just to eliminate frequent floor chores since that involves mostly the kids dropping food.) I kind of sound like a slob, don't I?

I'm not. I am a reformed "pig-pen" kind of kid. My mom still tells tales of finding dirty clothes under my bed and dirty dishes, too, when I was in elementary school. I remember having a dresser drawer just full of junk & rocks I'd find while I was walking. My desk at school was so full of jumbled papers, I'd lose my pencils & couldn't get my books to stay in. It was bad. But sometime around turning into a teenager, I saw the error of my ways. I could not find the stuff I wanted & needed. So I got neater. Everything had a place; but it was OK to make a put-away-later-pile. I just had to put things away before the pile fell over. People began to compliment me on my organizational skills. I got better in college with meeting the challenges of living in small, shared spaces. And packing everything I own into one car. (I'm good. I have the family packing gene.)

As a mom, I'm excellent, since our house is small. I often joke that I know where all the bodies are buried. But it's true, I know where just about everything is (except my keys & my glasses, but that's another story.) I might even be addicted to plastic storage containers. Yet....

Things get away from me. I have high-needs kids, that can interrupt and interfere with my efforts. I've been depressed, so I've been unmotivated. It's a vicious cycle. All the clutter & piles contribute to my depressed feelings; my depressed feelings leave me too lethargic to deal with the clutter & piles.

Which is why I topped the list with the most obvious "Clean Something." Most days it's the mundane thing like tackling the the laundry. Sometimes it is the Herculean thing like cleaning & reorganizing my son's room. Every now & then it is the odd-ball thing like cleaning off all the mildew spots that have grown on the back door from being cooked in high Southern humidity since the trees behind our house were plowed.

Just do something. Fight the static inertia. A body in motion will stay in motion until it is acted upon by an outside force. I do not want to let depression have that sort of force on me again.

Chore List

My son, as I mentioned, has Asperger's and ADHD, as well as being an elementary-age boy. Thus trying to get him to do anything can be a chore. To help him learn to help himself, we've set up a chore list with specific self-care tasks like "Eat All Your Lunch" and "Give Yourself a Good Bath." We are trying to motivate him to be a better & more independent person. If he does a task, he gets a small star; if he does a week's worth of that task, he gets a smiley star. For every increment of 8 smiley stars he gets (there's only 8 lines on the chart,) he gets a reward. He's allowed one "off day" for any task.

It's going pretty slowly.

But it seemed to me, that if I'm going to challenge him to be a better person here at the start of school, I should challenge myself to be a better person, too.

So I got myself a chore chart. Made myself a list of things I ought to do everyday, but am often unmotivated to do. Same rules for me, too, with stars, smiley stars, 8s and rewards.

After the same three weeks, I'm only one smiley star ahead of my son. Not that this is a competition.

When I started thinking about using my chore chart as a post, I realized that all these things are things I can do to help combat my depression. Well, new habits are just as hard to break in as old ones are to break out.

50 Posts, last published on Feb 19, 2011

OK. I'm a lousy Blogger.

The boy-child did survive-- quite heartily-- his gastro "spell."

I finally got on anti-depressants about a month later. Honestly, they do help a lot. Nope, I didn't immediately find a huge weight lifted off of my shoulder and felt compelled to sing my joy to the heavens. If THAT had happened, that would have been a bad thing and proved that I was bi-polar and needed something else entirely.

It's been a slow change. It has taken the edge off of some of my "bad" feelings. Has opened up a clear phone line between the part of my brain that knows the truth "life is actually good" and the part of my brain that whimpers loudly "I can't do anything." There's still much to do. I'm still marginally motivated, and spend too much time playing "stupid computer games."

But, it's getting better, little bit at a time.

Yea me.

Why? (Don't ask Job.)

November 21, 2010 --- 3 months ago. 90 days to be exact.

"The Odd Couple." Wonderful. Fun to be acting again. The sinus crud that came with it, not so fun.

Christmastide. Wonderful. Fun to be with family & friends. The stress of getting everything done "just right," not so fun.

Snow on Christmas. And in January. And January again. Even February. Magical, enchanting, fun for the kids in all of us. The panic, constraints and out-of-whack schedules, not so fun.

Refinancing the house for a lower rate. Fun to anticipate the "raise" we're giving ourselves. The last minute ton of paperwork, not so fun.

Now it's Rummage Sale season again with the giggles shared with fellow parishioners, the joy of sorting through the toys in order to set them up to sell. We even have some charming vintage toys that I'm researching so to get the most money we can from them.

But we're sick again, a galloping sinus crud that started with my daughter, moved to my son, made a home with me, and is now plaguing my husband. The girl is better. My husband is not as pitiful as things like this have done him before. Me, I have low-grade fever that comes & goes. My boy, for him I'm very worried. He complained for a week of pain right where his sinuses are; with the damage from his cleft, an infection was very likely. But now, the antibiotics are making him too sick to keep any food or water down. I'm very worried. He has ADHD; the medicine makes him very un-hungry and revs his metabolism. He has Asperger's, and it makes him very odd about eating. He could not afford to not eat for more than a day. It's now been four days of food that barely stays in him long enough to do any good. He'll try to eat, and his energy will return, but then the cramping sets in & he wants to sleep. Throws up & then sleeps some more. I can now see the knots of his backbone, the planes of his hip bones. My one consolation is that he's not dehydrated. Yet. If he can't keep anything down tomorrow, I don't know where the rest of my month will go.

I have PLANS. I have important appointments this week about the boy's cleft management-- orthodontic consult & auditory check. I have the Rummage Sale in a week. I want to go on a date with my husband. I have my parents' old truck so I can get serious about some home-improvement. I went to open auditions today just to keep renewing my interest in theater. I.... I.....

I've started back with a mental health counselor. I have an appointment to finally see a psychiatrist; I want to start meds to fight this depression, to tell my mind to stop playing emotional tricks on me.

But I will give it all up to see my poor little boy get better. Really, really better.