Chore Chart, Line 8

So maybe I do want to lose some weight. I need to. I am 200 pounds but only 5'4" (barely.) Luckily for me, I've put on my weight everywhere (including my back where I can't see it) and I have big, dense bones, so I don't feel that I look as huge as I think I should be. If that even made sense.

Over the years I've "self-medicated" with food. Chocolate is fave, but I'm not picky: cold mac-n-cheese, french fries, uncooked pie crust, whatever I was in the mood for, or at least was handy & could be eaten without my family knowing it. Sounds like I have a food addiction, huh? I could give up alcohol, if I was consuming drinks like I've done with food, but I can't just give up food.

I can give up unhealthy patterns.

I'm trying not to count calories/carbs/fat, etc, but instead to look at my portions. Hence, "right-size meals." That would also include well-balanced meals, and not pasta every night while using canned veggies. I still snack a bit, too, but I'm choosing a dozen of the almonds my husband roasted without oil or salt, a spoon of hummus, some grapes or a glass of milk. This past month when I had my pre-menstrual chocolate cravings, I got one of these vitamin & protein enriched energy-type bars-- as many calories as a candy bar (and sometimes more fat,) but more filling with bonus nutrition. Trying to change.

I would like to be a good example to my kids; the boy doesn't eat enough and the girl sometimes eats more than her fair share. I'd like to stop envying other woman and how nice they look in their clothes, even the "plus size" ones. I'd like to think that I look good in my clothes.

Mostly, I want to get enough weight off so I can wear my wedding ring & engagement ring again. Those are the one thing I can wear and always feel beautiful.

Chore Chart, Line 7

Everybody is creative. I truly believe that when the Bible says that we were created in God's image, that our imagination/creativity was one of His biggest gifts to us. Even people who say they aren't creative, are creative. They might not be eloquent in speech or pen, they might not produce attention-getting graphic arts, but everyone can create. I like to encourage others in this; I don't give false praise.

I have fallen off my "art" wagon, so to speak. I've gone months without blogging. Haven't knit or crocheted anything for a year. My son's scrapbook is stuck at two years old, and my daughter, at two years old, doesn't even have page one. My schedule/family needs don't allow for much time for acting.

I haven't even been cooking the way I used to cook. My kids get randomly picky and my husband has sworn off sweets and heavy carbs. I get very creative, sometimes, with leftovers, but then again, re-runs barely get much notice the third time around.

I miss being creative. I miss making something out of nothing and being pleased with my work, and having others compliment and enjoy my work, too. I really miss amazing myself. I'll look back at something I've written or made or scrap-booked, and think, "Wow. I did this?" Really, I forget how good it is.

I've now blogged everyday for over a week. I don't think I can keep up the pace, but I thought this would be a good start, especially since all of these posts are a series. For the first 3 weeks I've had my chore chart up, this line was a big ol' line of Xs. I made myself do this, and I'm feeling good about blogging again. Next is to get over my fear of the book drive so I can start sorting, culling & labeling all the photos we've taken. Then I'll get back to scrap-booking. Maybe. I've got a slight problem there...... I got the great room rearranged & set up to facilitate scrap-booking, and then started using my table to store boxes of food for the various food pantry drives that happen every month.... AND my alternate storage areas contain all the things I'm slowly culling from the house for the church rummage sale in February.

Gonna' have to get creative with my space again. Hmm.... I think I have an idea......

Chore Chart, Line 6

The thing with depression is: the depressed person feels alone and lonely. Some of it is actual proximity; you stay by yourself and you don't connect with anyone. Some of it is that cruel & isolating trick your brain plays on you. More specifically, here's a verse I wrote in high school:

I have learned, in my own case, that if I'm feeling lonely, it is my own fault, and not because "nobody likes me." It's flattering to have other people reach out & call me on the phone or ask me to hang out with them or send me a letter. But I've got to do the same, and understand that they have "lives" that don't include me. These are the lessons I've learned, usually slowly, sometimes painfully. I've even learned that some of the best friendships are the ones that grow slowly & steadily, not quick & clingy. "Falling in love" is giddy, but staying in love is a committed work.

My best friend is my husband, and I'm very grateful for that. We know each other pretty well, so that we are able to make each other smile & support each other with decisions, but at the same time surprise each other. (Today we both got, at the same time, the idea to talk a walk in the light rain; so we took the kids and laughed & laughed at them being puddle ducks.) Sometimes I wish I still had a girl best friend here, but...

I have several really great & long-lasting friends from high school, college and now. When we're together, it's like we are best friends (again); we "get" each other, go "ooo" at things in stores or on the menu and can talk about anything as if we'd only last talked the day before. I love these women! But they all live far away, and they have local friends they rely on and families they adore.

Likewise, the women who are becoming closer friends to me here in town do have lives and families, too. As do I. It's what makes each of us interesting. I find that I have more self-confidence to reach out just to say "Hi! How ya' doin'? Here's what's up with me, too." But how do I make a "personal social connection" in this computer age?

I use Facebook; it's the Internet watercooler. I'm still figuring out Twitter, but I just lurk right now. E-mail, wow-- instant contact-- and instant disappointment if someone doesn't reply right away. Then there's the calculated intimacy of blogging. All of this fine and evolving communication, but it does lack the "personal."

I like sending occasion cards. When my depression was at its worst, I stopped doing those things altogether, and was often late in remembering friends' kids' birthdays. I'm getting back into sending cards and trying to get them to their recipients on time.

I like writing thank-you notes, for myself and for my kids (although the boy is getting old enough to write his own.) Again, I fell out of the habit this past year. But after this past birthday, I'm current now.

I like writing letters. My mother-in-law has received oodles of note cards for fund-raising appeals, and she's given them to me. I have one dear friend who adores written correspondence, so I'm working towards sending her a weekly note. My son's Godmother lives out-of-country and feels out of touch with local goings on; news she can get, the life-pulse she can't, so I'm sending her a weekly letter, too.

I like going to church and church functions. This year I plan to not miss any Faith Sharing meetings, unless a kid is just too sick & my husband has important work meetings (like last Tuesday.) My husband is astounded at how many people I know, and he is working to get to know them (or their husbands,) too.

I like talking on the phone. (This is not a surprise to my father.) But I'm so out of practice. Really, I have to plan to call someone. Not like in high school when my father threatened to surgically remove the phone from my ear. (Thanks be to God we didn't have e-mail, FB, Twitter, texting & cell phones for everyone back in the 80s; although I guess these came about from many in my generation who thought the phone just wasn't enough.) Maybe soon I'll make more than one social phone call a week-- I'm still trying to figure out how much is too often and how long is too long-- but I promise it won't be while I'm driving!

Personal social connection: holding something that another person created, hearing another person's voice, looking another person in the eye, reaching out to touch another-- to truly connect and BE with other people.