The thing with depression is: the depressed person feels alone and lonely. Some of it is actual proximity; you stay by yourself and you don't connect with anyone. Some of it is that cruel & isolating trick your brain plays on you. More specifically, here's a verse I wrote in high school:
I have learned, in my own case, that if I'm feeling lonely, it is my own fault, and not because "nobody likes me." It's flattering to have other people reach out & call me on the phone or ask me to hang out with them or send me a letter. But I've got to do the same, and understand that they have "lives" that don't include me. These are the lessons I've learned, usually slowly, sometimes painfully. I've even learned that some of the best friendships are the ones that grow slowly & steadily, not quick & clingy. "Falling in love" is giddy, but staying in love is a committed work.
My best friend is my husband, and I'm very grateful for that. We know each other pretty well, so that we are able to make each other smile & support each other with decisions, but at the same time surprise each other. (Today we both got, at the same time, the idea to talk a walk in the light rain; so we took the kids and laughed & laughed at them being puddle ducks.) Sometimes I wish I still had a girl best friend here, but...
I have several really great & long-lasting friends from high school, college and now. When we're together, it's like we are best friends (again); we "get" each other, go "ooo" at things in stores or on the menu and can talk about anything as if we'd only last talked the day before. I love these women! But they all live far away, and they have local friends they rely on and families they adore.
Likewise, the women who are becoming closer friends to me here in town do have lives and families, too. As do I. It's what makes each of us interesting. I find that I have more self-confidence to reach out just to say "Hi! How ya' doin'? Here's what's up with me, too." But how do I make a "personal social connection" in this computer age?
I use Facebook; it's the Internet watercooler. I'm still figuring out Twitter, but I just lurk right now. E-mail, wow-- instant contact-- and instant disappointment if someone doesn't reply right away. Then there's the calculated intimacy of blogging. All of this fine and evolving communication, but it does lack the "personal."
I like sending occasion cards. When my depression was at its worst, I stopped doing those things altogether, and was often late in remembering friends' kids' birthdays. I'm getting back into sending cards and trying to get them to their recipients on time.
I like writing thank-you notes, for myself and for my kids (although the boy is getting old enough to write his own.) Again, I fell out of the habit this past year. But after this past birthday, I'm current now.
I like writing letters. My mother-in-law has received oodles of note cards for fund-raising appeals, and she's given them to me. I have one dear friend who adores written correspondence, so I'm working towards sending her a weekly note. My son's Godmother lives out-of-country and feels out of touch with local goings on; news she can get, the life-pulse she can't, so I'm sending her a weekly letter, too.
I like going to church and church functions. This year I plan to not miss any Faith Sharing meetings, unless a kid is just too sick & my husband has important work meetings (like last Tuesday.) My husband is astounded at how many people I know, and he is working to get to know them (or their husbands,) too.
I like talking on the phone. (This is not a surprise to my father.) But I'm so out of practice. Really, I have to plan to call someone. Not like in high school when my father threatened to surgically remove the phone from my ear. (Thanks be to God we didn't have e-mail, FB, Twitter, texting & cell phones for everyone back in the 80s; although I guess these came about from many in my generation who thought the phone just wasn't enough.) Maybe soon I'll make more than one social phone call a week-- I'm still trying to figure out how much is too often and how long is too long-- but I promise it won't be while I'm driving!
Personal social connection: holding something that another person created, hearing another person's voice, looking another person in the eye, reaching out to touch another-- to truly connect and BE with other people.
